Just in case you haven’t noticed, there are now brand new shiny security cameras on all wings of the hotel. So be sure to fix your hair and put on your make-up before you take out the trash! And don’t try stepping out into the hall for a smoke, or they might just turn on the sprinklers! But hey, we all want to be famous here, don’t we? It’ll be like we’re all actors on a new, hip HBO sitcom! The kind with partial nudity and lots and lots of cursing.
What’s that you say, happy Chelsea campers? Oh, don’t be so paranoid! Of course these weren’t installed to intimidate us. It’s not like this is some sort of Hard Rock Hotel in Oceania or the maximum security wing of Rikers or something. The management reportedly told staff members that the cameras were installed to prevent guests from stealing the flat screen TVs, and of course there’s no reason to doubt their word. The devious guests (those in the more expensive rooms, obviously, so maybe they thought they were owed a refund) had reportedly been able to smuggle the TVs past the cameras in the stairwell. This should stop the thieving scum dead in their tracks, since of course they will be sure to drag the TVs out into the hall before concealing them.
Several new cameras have also been installed in the lobby and in front of the hotel, though security personnel will carry remote controls to turn them off in the event of real trouble—such as an assault on a resident.
Let me reiterate before any of you chowderheads get the wrong idea: the world famous haven of the arts and Rebel Mecca, welcoming to free spirits and deviants of all stripe who come to breath our refreshing air of openness and unbounded creativity, is not being turned into a police state. If anything, management has not gone far enough, since there are no cameras pointed down the little corridors. Yesterday I was almost overcome by the urge to dance to the bathroom in my underwear, but what’s the point, since the camera is all the way out in the main hall! -- Ed Hamilton